separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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