I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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