Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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