my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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