At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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