Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
