Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
