Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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