conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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