Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
