i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize