so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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