How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
