Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We left the knife in your bed.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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