I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
