i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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