Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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