Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize