I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
