sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize