Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
