Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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