my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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