Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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