Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
