My nipple is on Facebook.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
