i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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