maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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