Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
