Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
