Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
