yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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