He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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