So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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