Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
