Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
