i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nobody cheats on THIS.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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