I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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