I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
