never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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