Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
