I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
