dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
