i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
