You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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