just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
