I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
