your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
