if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
