I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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