I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
