This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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