We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
