last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
