DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
