Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
