we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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