a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
