Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
