i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
