I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
