I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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