turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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