Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
