why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
