Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
