I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
