nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
