I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
