We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
