Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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