Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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