Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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